DON’T say these things to a grieving parent:
This minimizes the loss & the feelings they are going through. Trying to explain the loss of a child is impossible.. there is no explaining it.
“Everything happens for a reason”
“I know how you feel” (unless you’ve also lost a child)
This isn’t about you, you aren’t the one grieving. Do NOT compare. Their grief & situation is unique.
This implies that expressing their emotions is bad & that what they’re feeling isn’t right or okay.
“Be strong”
How are they doing? They just lost a child; how would you be doing?
“How are you doing?”
This adds no value or comfort. It implies that you have been through what they’re living & unless that is true, you couldn’t possibly know that it does.
“Time heals all wounds”
“At least you have/can have more children”
One baby doesn’t replace another one. The life they had planned for this baby & all the experiences they were looking forward to are now gone. & it implies that they don’t love or appreciate their existing children enough.
Whether falling pregnant was easy, accidental, longed for or assisted, this statement brings no comfort & makes them feel like they should feel bad for being able to have a child. They’re already completely heartbroken at the loss of their child, don’t put that on them as well. This reduces the unique loss of a child to a clinical possibility. This child wasn’t a concept—they were our child.
“At least you know you can get pregnant”
Yeah they couldn’t either.. don’t remind them how terrible of a situation this is.
“I can’t imagine…”
Excuse my language here but BULLSHIT. The best place for their child is here with them, in their arms. There are no other arguments
“They’re in a better place”
“Look on the bright side…”
There is no bright side. Point. Blank. Period.
As if them suffering would make this worse? You also don’t know all of the circumstances so you’re also making a bold assumption.
“at least they didn’t suffer”
“God has a plan”
Why would God torture a parent like this?
“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”
You’re telling me that God deals out crisis moments knowing that people will be absolutely destroyed by them?
Really? Any God who is all powerful can do without a human child just fine. There is no reason that their child had to die.
“God needed another angel”
You want them to forget about their child as if they didn’t matter? Staying busy will not take away the loss, feelings or anything associated with grieving. It may delay dealing with feelings for awhile but it doesn’t take them away.
“Stay busy. Don’t think about it”
SAYS WHO? They were supposed to live a long & happy life. There is no reason their baby had to go.
“It was his/her time to go”
I know that sometimes “I’m sorry” is all you can come up with — and that’s okay.
But you may not realize how many times we’ve heard those words. Over and over. So many times that they start to lose their meaning. Every “I’m sorry” begins to feel like another slap in the face. Not because people mean harm, but because the words feel empty when they’re all anyone says. We understand that people say it because they don’t know what else to say — but when that’s all we hear, it starts to feel like no one really sees us, or our baby.
“I’m sorry”
& as my LEAST favorite…
The TRUTH is:
When in doubt — less is more.
Remember: losing a child is not like losing a goldfish or even a distant relative. Those things, in time, tend to fade. But the death of a child — no matter their age, no matter the circumstances — is devastating. It alters the very core of a person.
No two people grieve the same way. Not even couples walking through the same loss.
The most important thing you can do is be there to listen.
Don’t try to fix it. Don’t offer advice on how to “get through it” or “move on.”
Those words aren’t helpful — they only isolate.
maybe try THIS instead:
“Sending you love and strength as you navigate this loss”
Simple. It’s not the cliche “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine…” It’s genuine, loving & heartfelt.
Again, simple & heartfelt. Not too much, not too little.
“You are in my thoughts and prayers”
The honesty. This is better than saying something they don’t wanna hear because they too, don’t know what to say. There are absolutely no words.
“I don’t know what to say”
“It’s okay to not be okay, & it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling”
This validates their feelings; that they’re not absolutely insane for feeling the things that they’re currently feeling or have felt recently.
Because the days ahead are going to be ROUGH. This is such a sweet sentiment.
“Wishing you the gentlest of days ahead”
If you say this, you better mean it. Don’t be that person who says this and then goes ghost.
“You’re not alone, we’re here for you”
Again, you better mean it. Having someone to listen, who they can go to without judgement & without an opinion is such a gift in this time. Be that gift or don’t say it.
“I’m here for you if you need to talk, or just need someone to be with you”
“I’m thinking of you”
Simple & to the point. But also honest.
From personal experience:
The loneliest time after a loss is after everything has calmed down — when the funeral is over, the meals stop coming, and everyone else has returned to their normal lives.
The best advice I can give if you want to show up and truly support someone is this:
Be the person who shows up after the world has moved on.
Be the friend who checks in every week.
Be the friend who shows up and quietly does the dishes or tidies up.
Be the friend who brings food without needing a reason.
Be the friend who can sit in the uncomfortable silence.
Be the friend who says their baby’s name — and talks about their baby with them when they’re ready.
Be the friend who still texts, still cares, and still remembers… even a year later, even randomly, even quietly.
Your presence will speak louder than any words ever could.
Grief doesn’t come with a rulebook, but thoughtful gestures can go a long way. Here are some other ways to be a steady source of comfort and care:
Drop off meals (even frozen ones) — grief makes even small tasks like cooking feel impossible.
Gift Cards — gift cards to restaurants or delivery services like DoorDash.
Offer to help with housework — laundry, dishes, errands, paying bills. Show up without being asked.
Wash their car & fill it with gas — you never know when they might need it.
Offer to watch their other children — so they have a chance to process or decompress without having to focus on someone else.
Mark important dates — their baby’s birthday, due date, or the day they passed. A simple “thinking of you today” can mean the world.
I can assure you — every terrible thought you can imagine, they’ve already had.
The guilt that comes with losing a child, even when there’s no fault, is absolutely crippling. The feeling that their body failed them… that maybe they weren’t meant to be a parent… that they somehow deserved this — these are some of the cruel lies grief whispers, again and again. There’s absolutely nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain of losing a child. But I promise you: showing up, being present, and staying constant in their life means more than anything in the world.
They might not show appreciation right now. They might push you away or go silent — and that’s okay. Still, send that quick text:
“Thinking of you.”
“I saw a butterfly today and it reminded me of your beautiful baby.”
“I hope you’re doing okay.”
Still, show up.
Those small gestures can be anchors in their storm.
I promise you, it does matter.
From one grieving mom to you:
Thank you. Thank you for caring enough to read through all of this. Your people are lucky to have you. Truly. I hope this helped in some way. Some of the things people said after we lost Maeve broke me more than they comforted me. I want to make sure other parents don’t have to go through that. It’s hard navigating loss from both sides so even if you say or do something you feel wasn’t right — give yourself grace; we’re only human.